Feedback is a Gift

“Feedback is a gift.” That’s what I learned from a coach I worked with many years ago. And to put this lesson into practice, he explained, we need to give feedback generously, and also receive it with gratitude.

Easier said than done.

As financial advisors, we are in the giving feedback business. When we tell a client they need to save more money for retirement, we are giving them the candid feedback that what they’ve done up to this point is not adequate. Then we offer ideas for how they can improve their financial situation.

Some clients receive feedback well. We typically refer to those types of clients as coachable. Others resist, get defensive, and ultimately don’t implement our ideas. These are far more challenging people to work with. It’s hard to create any positive impact or change with clients who aren’t willing to listen to feedback or take any action.

How often do you work on your “giving and receiving feedback” skills? For me, I’ve been working on this for decades…

I was thinking about feedback I gave to a coaching client last week. She belongs to a cohort of financial advisors I work with monthly. She was complaining that she was disappointed in our group, and that she wasn’t getting much from our work together.

Before reacting, I asked if she had participated in all the monthly calls. She shared that she had only been in one of the last five classes I taught. I next asked if she had been completing our weekly homework assignments. She hadn’t, and shared that between work and home she’d been too busy. I asked her how her tracking of her quarterly goals was coming along. She candidly shared that she hadn’t tracked anything in eight weeks and somewhere lost momentum. Last, I asked her how she felt about all the great ideas that were being shared in the private Facebook group. She said she “doesn’t do Facebook.”

I knew this was my opportunity to provide feedback.

“Molly, would you like some feedback?”

This is an important step in giving feedback: ask permission first. I don’t know too many people who appreciate unsolicited advice.

I commented, “I can completely understand why you’re disappointed in the group. I think you’d find it much more valuable if you committed to following the steps in the program, completing the assignments, and tracking progress towards your goals. The assignments are designed to be progressive, and the momentum builds throughout the course of the year. But if you’re not doing most of the work, I think disappointment is going to be the only reasonable outcome.” I paused. That was the feedback.

But then I asked a follow-up question.

“Is there some area in your life where you are finding real satisfaction and accomplishment these days?”

Molly answered without hesitation, “Oh, definitely in my health and fitness.”

“Any why do you think that is working so well for you?”

“It’s because I show up for my appointments with my trainer three times a week. I’m totally present during my workouts, and I do every single assigned cardio and strength workout he gives me. On the days when I’m not with him, I report back to him. Having that accountability one-on-one works great for me.”

“That makes total sense. Would you be willing to apply that same principal to our coaching group to see if you get better results?”

“What do you mean?”

“Here’s my advice: pick someone within the group to be your accountability partner— someone you respect, maybe even someone who intimidates you a little bit. Just like you show up for your personal trainer, you’d commit to showing up for your accountability partner for the next quarter and see what happens”

She loved the idea, and became reengaged immediately. She also knew exactly the person she wanted to partner with.

What started out as a complaint from Molly turned into a thank-you at the end of our conversation. She agreed to take on the assignment, and get back to me at the end of the next quarter with her feedback.

Feedback, when accompanied by an idea or a proposed solution, can be well-received. Instead of telling Molly she’s a lousy member of the group for not doing any of the work, I had to accompany my feedback with an idea that would resonate.

Feedback is a gift. When we give it in a caring and genuine way, and offer a solution, people are grateful.

When was the last time you received feedback? Did you take it on with gratitude?

If I look back over the past few months at feedback I received graciously, versus the feedback that just felt like criticism (and where I got immediately defensive), I can see in hindsight that there was a clear distinction between how the feedback was delivered in each instance.

Feedback accompanied by an idea for how to do things better feels useful. Feedback that’s just critical with no ideas or alternatives feels critical and upsetting.

Keep this in mind whether giving or receiving feedback this week:

• Before you offer someone feedback, prepare for the conversation. How will you deliver your message with kindness and compassion— and are you prepared with some ideas or possible solutions?

• If someone offers you feedback this week— solicited or unsolicited— and it feels initially like criticism, before getting offended or defensive ask the person for suggestions on how you could do things differently the next time.

Feedback can be a gift. We just have to remember to say thank-you after receiving it.